Heheh, you sly dog. It’s Christmas, don’t you have shame? Nah, I’m just joshing you. But you are a dirty dirty human, aren’t ya?

Yeah, you. What? Oh, yes, yes, I know that I’m an elf, or one of those smallish, pointy-eared creatures. But that’s not important. What is important is your naughty little wish list.

What, you thought that your sick desires are only known between you and jolly ol’ St. Nick? Now, come on. Me and my thousands of brothers and sisters run the joint. Plus, the old man, bless his heart, is the kind of guy who always likes his stocking stuffed full of goodies and his red bag full of presents, if you catch my drift.

But hey, you can probably relate, you sex deviant you. Reading your list probably made jolly Santa check it twice, he he he.

It’s alright that you want…that for Christmas, though. We elves understand all too well. We like playing with the toys as much as we like making them, if you know what I mean. In fact, we’ve probably done way more outrageous and crazy things with plastic and silicon that your blushing human mind could not ever begin to fathom.

So, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna be a pal and make sure that you get the freaky little toy on the Twenty-fifth. I’ll even make sure to personally make it out of durable material – like oak wood or marble or something – and put it in a discreet box before wrapping it. It’ll just look like you got a boring old DVD player for Christmas. Like, who the hell gets those anymore?

But, even then, I’ll know what you really got. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You have fun, crazy kid. Have a happy XXX-mas. Don’t be too naughty.