Man, you just love some satire. At least, that’s what you told us, the writers of the Dailyer, one day, long ago when the times were darker and less funny with a lack of satire. You mentioned how everything would be better if you knew of a perfect biting satire publication with all the college and dick jokes.
Then, we gave you the Dailyer. You opened its pages, frightened yet curious like a small child peeping in a closed off locker room. We remember what you first said after popping your virgin Dailyer cherry and taking in the sharp wit that only slightly unstable college students can provide.
“I love The Dailyer” was what you said. Or, more specifically, you shouted it at the heavens for all to hear, for this was a new experience. Before, you liked The Onion and really liked “The Colbert Report,” as you would like a platonic friend. But this. You truly loved The Dailyer intimately.
You don’t remember saying that, let alone yelling that? Well, come on, silly. Of course you said that. Trust us; we’re the people that make the only thing that you desperately love and crave for daily. You told us, even, that you cried in anguish when you learned that “Dailyer” did not mean that you could read satire daily, or twice a day or anything that you thought might be “dailyer.”
But, you wiped your tears away, and you said that you forgave us, for we were still wonderful people with wonderful personalities and even better headlines.
What, you still don’t remember? Dude, that’s bad. We swear that you said all this.
Man, oh man. We remember that you then said we deserved pay raises and health benefits and cookies and lemonade everyday during meetings. You even said that you’d gladly bake for us every meeting and give us back and foot massages. We were all incredibly flattered and, well, will probably take up your offers.
We were even more flattered when you kept muttering to yourself “Go Dailyer” after you said that you be willing to donate some of your savings to the ‘satire godliness’ and even advertise the Dailyer throughout the university.You were jumping up and down a lot, giddy as can be with a grin the size of heart: big, but capable of growing bigger.
We know you said and did all this, so you’d better get that noggin’ checked out. You’re our biggest fan. We wouldn’t want you to be unhealthy.
Oh, and when you get the time, some brownies next Monday would be swell. Hey, you’re the one who said that you loved us; we’re not just putting words in your mouth.