Impact Party To Round Up All Gays By End Of April

Newly-elected ASUN President Eric Kamler announced yesterday that he would be rounding up all of UNL’s gay students by the end of April, a move that he said he doesn’t “necessarily agree with” but one most of his supporters urged him to do.

“I personally don’t have anything against the gays but most of my supporters do so I really have to do it, right?” Kamler said. “I am a representative for the students and the students I hang out with want me to do this, so I have to. I’m their representative”

“I hope the gays don’t take it too personally.”

Kamler admitted he has yet to decide what to do with the gays once he has rounded them up.

“They definitely won’t be annoying frat boys anymore,” Kamler said. “Too often my frat buddies tell me about how annoying it is for a gay person to be sitting near them, or just existing. So my main goal is to make sure they don’t exist anywhere near where frat members will be.”

Many ideas have been floated around but external vice president-elect Kyle Wroblewski stated they would probably be sent to camps so that they can exist without getting their “gay germs” on straight UNL students.

“We don’t want to hurt them or anything, we just know that if we allow them to be near us, we’ll get the gay germs. I for one, am tired of being assaulted with gay germs,” Wrobliewski said.

One group that can file for an appeal are attractive lesbians. Wroblewski stated that lesbians who believe they are attractive, and are willing to make out “and do other stuff” at frat parties should appeal with him personally in pairs.

While the move has been widely criticized by most UNL officials, Harvey Perlman said that ASUN was just much too powerful an organization to try and combat.

“They have the power to do this and as Chancellor of the University, I’ve said that I disagree but I don’t want to be too openly defiant, what if they come after me next?” Perlman said on the telephone from an undisclosed location.

“I don’t need to be making enemies with the new supreme leaders this quickly.”

One UNL administrator, assistant football coach Ron Brown, praised the Impact party and stated that this “is what Jesus would have wanted.”

“I’ve never been more proud of this university,” Ron Brown said as he walked around the campus putting tags on all the students who looked “too gay to love Jesus.”

“These are the kind of God-fearing students that the University should be promoting.”