Iran to Deploy Navy As Soon as Wind Picks Up

Citing the “need to protect its sacred shores from the increasing Zionist threat,” Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pledged to launch the newly-retooled Iranian naval fleet, “just as soon as the wind picks up a bit.”

“The threats against our sovereignty are many and varied,” said Ahmadinejad, whose 2012 re-election was highly contested. “Therefore it is in our best interest to, just as soon as the weather cooperates, launch our fleet and carry our interests unto the glorious horizon.”

The Iranian Navy was planned almost entirely by Ahmadinejad himself, and was reportedly inspired by repeated viewings of the 2003 Disney film “Pirates of the Caribbean.” The President, who has admitted to being entirely enamored with the film, ordered the immediate construction of a fleet inspired by the wooden frigates featured in the pirate comedy.

“Captain Sparrow, rest his blessed soul, showed us that even death itself can be overcome through tenacity and a badass wooden boat. We, too, can overcome the evil oppressors in much the same way,” the President continued. “As soon as the damn weather cooperates.”

So far, the extensive fleet has been unable to launch from its port city into the Persian Gulf. Iranian scientists cited “poor weather conditions and a tide that just won’t slow down” as reasoning for the delay.

“Don’t worry, we’ll soon be able to get them out there,” said a scientist who asked to remain unnamed. “From the Persian Gulf, to the Red Sea, and finally to the shores of those who are solely responsible for all the ill in the world. Also America.”

For his part, Ahmadinejad remains convinced that the billowing sails of the Iranian Navy will be terrorizing the high seas for decades to come. “Our captains will not rest until the threat is eliminated, and Iranian husbands can oppress their wives in peace,” said the President. “Keep faith in me, and also in the weather, and together we will charge into the glorious dawn.”