Juicy Juice Introduces New Line of “Bad Choicy Choice” Adult Beverages

Building on the popularity of its children’s drink Juicy Juice, Nestlé announced plans earlier this week to unveil a new line of adult beverages called Bad Choicy Choice.

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Photo illustration by Bea Huff.

The drinks, whose flavors include ‘Unprotected Sex,’ ‘Drunk Tattoo,’ and ‘Tackling An Off-Duty Police Officer In The Bar Parking Lot,’ will feature bright colors, intricate crazy-straws and “an easy-to-grip shape for those inebriated, little hands,” according to development staff.

“Our market research has shown that adults like juice boxes too,” Nestlé spokesman Jared Mattigan said. “It conjures up memories of simpler times and childhood fun. The only real difference between Juicy Juice and Bad Choicy Choice is that you can get ‘totally crunk,’ as the kids say, on the latter. This product really has something for everyone.”

Public reaction to the new drink line has been positive, but the product does have its critics.

Patricia Reynolds, a student at the University of Oregon, is among those who do not look favorably on Bad Choicy Choice. “That stuff is just sugary trash,” she said, working her way through a fifth of Bacardi Dragon Berry. “I’m not comfortable giving my friends something like Bad Choicy Choice when they could be drinking more wholesome booze. My mother didn’t want me to get fat on juice boxes when I was little and I sure as hell don’t want my friends to be sober on these things.”

She went on to say that, “The straw is pretty cool, though. I like that bit.”

Bad Choicy Choice is set for trial release in select cities across the United States in May. Nestlé executives hope to have the product in full circulation before the Fourth of July, in time to introduce the first seasonal flavor.

“It’s called ‘Blowing Up Your Neighbors’ Mailboxes,’” Mattigan said, “and I think it’s going to be a smash success. Ha. Ha. Ha… Er. Next question, please?