June Bugs are essentially worthless

By Entomologist Dr. James Nickels

Summer is by far my least favorite season for one reason and one reason alone: June. June marks the return of God’s most worthless and pointless creation, the June Bug. June Bugs are the most brain dead, stupid insect in the entire insect kingdom, and I can say this with absolute scientific certainty.

In the past I’ve done numerous studies on the June Bug, from attempting to measuring its intelligence to trying to discern any possible point or value in their existence. I wasted 15 years of my life in this endeavor, and at no point in my studies could I find any redeeming quality in the insect. Not even one. Most bugs at least have a shtick that offers some worth, for example, while flies are annoying they at least eat poop or something. June Bugs have no such value, they just fly into my garage over and over until they die.

This past June alone I watched somewhere around 50 June Bugs fly directly into my garage repeatedly until death. Each June Bug struck the metal door somewhere between 15 and 20 times before finally sputtering on the ground for like, a minute and dying. You’d figure it might take an insect hitting a surface a few times before it finally figures out that it can’t go through it, sure, but until it dies? This takes an astounding lack of intelligence, even relative to other insects.

Honestly, I go out of my way to kill June Bugs at this point, not even out of cruelty either. I consider stomping on the worthless brown shell bugs an act of mercy, because honestly, there couldn’t be any worse fate than having to exist as a June Bug.