A group of kid scientists from Toddleham University has just made a shocking discovery that will change the way we perceive the world forever. Research team leader Blake Dwight has confirmed in his latest macaroni art thesis that cars attached to shopping carts in grocery stores and department stores have no steering capability whatsoever.
Dwight, a junior alphabet major, says that his groundbreaking research has gained a lot of attention nationally. “I just think, um, this is the stupiderest thing ever,” exclaimed Dwight. “Every kid should, um, be able to control the cart. Like, when I was with mommy at the store yesterday, I wanted to go down the candy aisle. I turned the, um, steering thing and, um, it didn’t go down that aisle! We went down the veggie aisle instead! I don’t want veggies! No one wants veggies!”
Dwight’s research consisted of several experiments with several different variables. A team of test subjects was chosen at daycare to conduct the experiments. Each of the kids went grocery shopping with their parents. Through a walkie-talkie, Dwight gave instructions of when to turn the steering wheel and in which direction. After trials completed, Dwight confirmed that 9 out of 10 test subjects reported that none of their turns worked. The one outlier, Jimmy Dale, only had the opportunity for one turn in his shopping adventure with his father, reporting his right turn into the liquor aisle was, in fact, a successful turn.
“This is stupid,” said 6-year-old daycare attendee Lucy Ball, in response to the shocking discovery. “I can’t believe mommy and daddy have lied to me my whole life! First, they tell me Santa Claus isn’t real. Then they tell me the Easter Bunny isn’t real. What’s next, is Bigfoot not real? Is the moon landing not real?”
Dwight has confirmed plans to engineer a functioning shopping cart car that will be sold worldwide. Early designs of the car show a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe duct taped to a shopping cart. Dwight pointed out that a possible engineering flaw in current shopping cart cars is the lack of ghost flames painted on the side, which will be included in the final draft.
