Like most liberal teens, local sophomore Michael Abelson was very excited to spend Christmas dinner arguing with his conservative-leaning family about controversial issues like the Black Lives Matter movement, Syrian refugees and how many members of his family want to elect a real-life fascist into office.
However, Abelson was surprised and disappointed to find his family did not want to take part in the annual screaming match, and instead just desired a peaceful dinner with loved ones. The Abelson family spent most of their time talking about mundane pleasantries in an effort to distract from the real issues facing America today. Topics of conversation ranged from cousin Jennifer’s newborn, to how the stuffing recipe was passed down for four generations.
“Nobody gives a fat shit about the stuffing grandma– let’s get to the real issues facing America today,” Abelson exclaimed in an exclusive interview with The DailyER, voicing his frustration against his family.
“Oh, and nobody gives a shit about your baby, Jennifer, people have babies all the time. It’s really not that big of a deal. But you know what is a big deal? You assholes all want to elect Donald Trump into office,” Abelson added, crossing his arms as though he had actually said it to her face.
“It’s a bunch of bullshit,” Abelson sighed. “I spent the entire semester researching all of these important topics and none of them even came up. I mean, what was even the point of getting involved in these causes if I didn’t get to argue about it over Christmas dinner?”
“I just feel like I really wasted my time,” Abelson added.
“Believe me; I tried my hardest to get an argument going,” Abelson explained. “When I brought up BLM, uncle Jeff said he didn’t really feel like talking about it. Honestly I think he just didn’t want me to destroy all of his points. Ever since aunt Agatha died he’s been a spineless jellyfish of a man.”
Sources confirmed that a less emotionally compromised uncle Jeff would have gone to great lengths to destroy his nephew’s spirit and arguments. However, since the loss of his wife, Agatha, he’s become a shell of the man he once was and wants nothing more than to make his remaining memories with his family happy ones, like a little pussy.
