In this February’s Kanye West cover issue, Trendy Shit magazine released its much anticipated quadrennial list of gurts, and for a 9th consecutive time, yogurt secured the number one spot by a landslide margin. The beloved dairy product was favored over all other gurts, both dairy and non-dairy, kosher and nonkosher, by a whopping 98.4% of Americans. While companies like Dannon and Oikos consider the reputable listing a big sales-stimulating win, the trend’s continuation is no doubt disheartening for producers of less popular gurt, such as local Darrell Yates.
“I’ve been running Yates Quality Saturated Gurts for many, many years now, and sadly I have yet to turn a profit,” lamented the 49-year-old CEO, who is now nearing a personal two million dollar debt.
“’Go into traditional gurt sales,’ they told me. ‘Yogurt is just a passing fad, it can’t be on top forever.’ Bullshit. The people don’t want raw, unabashed gurt anymore. They want that processed crap that comes in fun, convenient packaging.”
According to this list and other various market research data collected over the past forty years, the average United States consumer simply doesn’t seem to give a damn that yogurt may not be the purest form of gurt. Whether it comes in kid-friendly tube form, is blended into some overpriced parfait, or has Superbowl commercials featuring the cast of Full House, yogurt and its active cultures are actively dominating Western culture. As far as those 1.6% of folks who aren’t aboard the creamy yogurt train, Trendy Shit statistician Rob Nards says that every single one of them is a Bolivian immigrant.
“Yeah, the polls don’t lie, and it appears—and really always has appeared—that the Bolivians are just too fond of their time-honored national dishes,” Nards purported. “You know, those trademark morsels like llama gurt salteñas or gurt-of-the-mountain empanadas.”
All South American influences aside, one can safely predict that the 2018 gurt listings will hold similar results. In the Land of the Free, yogurt reigns supreme.