Local satire paper disappointed to not find name in Panama Papers

file photo | writer with pen and pad

Following the release of the Panama Papers- a series of documents exposing world leaders’ offshore tax havens- a local satirical publication’s newsroom was let down.

Hours into digging through document after document, The DailyER’s staff failed to find any reference to its publication. However, it did find potentially incriminating evidence against ranking state officials in places like Iceland, Argentina and Saudi Arabia.

Sitting Editor-in-Chief Connor Newberg explained the palpable sense of disappointment at staff headquarters.

“We thought that we might have had enough money on hand to register on the radar,” Newberg said. “I figured several hundred dollars would put us up there with the big dogs.”

According to an internal review, The DailyER has been strategically placing its funds offshore for years in order to protect it from ASUN executives gunning for its money.

“That move was pretty dumb,” said an ASUN senator who wished to remain unnamed. “I make more money working part time than they have in their yearly budget. They’ve never had anything.”

In addition to possessing insufficient fund to be implicated alongside Putin’s inner circle, many locals have also noted the paper lacks a big enough of a reputation to be included in the Panama leak.

“I’ve only ever heard of five people reading that paper,” said Lincoln resident Kelli White. “Thinking they exercise as much clout as King Salman is a bit of a stretch.”

Newberg later admitted White had a point. DailyER staff are now looking for a new cool motif besides the money-laundering type.

“You know, I did just finish watching ‘Narcos’,” Newberg said. “Maybe there’s something there.”