Lonely Tax To Charge Citizens $1 Every Time They Masturbate

Congress overwhelmingly passed the Lonely Tax Act last night, which will charge all Americans one dollar every time they masturbate. The bill is being hailed as an American savior and is estimated to pull the federal government out of debt within six months.

The bill, which many thought would face a tough challenge from Republicans, had the rare effect of bringing together liberals who wanted new tax revenues and conservatives who couldn’t pass on a chance to punish those who indulge in self-pleasure.

“I said I’d never vote for a tax increase, but this one is too important; it punishes those evil enough to think one can pleasure themselves without the approval of our Lord and Savior,” Michelle Bachmann said as she set aside a $20 bill for “new expenses.”

While the bill passed without many critics, some were upset that the bill didn’t add a section that kept private how much you were being taxed. Senator Ben Nelson stated the bill “needed more privacy regulations” before handing an aid $60 and saying discreetly “this should cover me for tomorrow.”

The President signed the historic bill late last night and was taxed $2 before going to bed.