Loser Not Dipping Tobacco Thinks He Can Get Girls

Last weekend, guests at a house party in Lincoln witnessed a series of truly feeble attempts at seduction.

Ian Jacobson, a junior finance major, arrived at the party after it was already in full swing. After a few beers, Jacobson proceeded to try to chat up girls with no dipping tobacco in or on his person, according to eyewitness reports. The other guests watched Jacobson’s clueless actions with considerable pity and embarrassment.

“I just couldn’t stop staring at his perfect white teeth,”  said Rebekah Troutman, one of the ladies whom Jacobson approached. “It’s such a turn-off when a guy doesn’t dribble runny brown dip spit out of his mouth into a paper cup every minute or two. I couldn’t tell if he was for real or not when he asked me for my number.”

The house’s guests expressed outrage and disbelief at Jacobson’s notably lacking skills at picking up women.

“It was almost sad watching someone that clueless,” Chris Murray said. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard that this guy was seriously trying to pick up girls without packing a fat lip of Griz prior to the approach.”

It was clear that Jacobson had come to the party with the express intention of picking up women. Those who observed his feeble attempts at seduction insist that they knew he was doomed from the start.

“Well, it was pretty obvious right away he wasn’t going to get laid,” Zach Abrams, another guest, told The DailyER. “His first mistake was walking into the party without loudly spitting up a stream of sticky, brown goo from his mouth into a clear plastic bottle. After that blunder, I knew he was going to strike out without a doubt.”

The DailyER was unable to reach Jacobson for comment, although staff members expressed particular disinterest in talking to such a dweeby loser anyway.