Man Almost Disturbed Enough to Find Kenya on a Map

As news of a terrorist attack at a Kenyan shopping mall began to reach the international community on Monday, many citizens were left horrified by the brutal siege. The images and stories of wealthy shoppers looking for their families among the carnage resonated across the globe, striking a nerve among horrified Americans. One local man, Joe Simmons was caught up enough in the attacks that he reports setting down his latte and thinking real hard about Kenya for the first time in years, even mentally straining himself to try and remember where Kenya is located.

“You always think about Kenya and you’re just like, yeah it’s one of those foreign countries but you never think of them as a place with like shopping malls and gun violence. That’s America’s thing. But now you realize they’re just like us except I don’t know where they are on a map.”

Simmons said that he thought about the attacks for several hours during his morning commute and had nearly convinced himself that Kenya was a Mexican state before remembering the possibility that it could be an island nation. He scribbled out some ideas for possible Kenya locations on his sketch pad while waiting for his breakfast burrito to unthaw but was immediately swept up with a debate about Francine from HR’s butt to make any real progress.

“It’s not entirely my fault though, I mean 60 deaths, that’s a dime a dozen bit of terrorism. A little sad yeah but not like 9/11 sad. I wonder if any of those Kenyons (sic) have heard about 9/11, now that was a doozy. Sure put America on their map I bet!”

Simmons feels comfortable saying that unless an death toll has about 2,996 fatalities (slightly less if there’s a cute kid involved or it took place in Benghazi), it’s probably not that important overall, citing his apathy towards the Beslan and In Amenas assaults.

As of press time, the siege may still be going on, but Simmons has reached the acceptable level of feeling sad about foreign people and moved on to the thrilling possibilities of a newly unfrozen breakfast burrito.