Man Bombing Federal Reserve Thought There Was Actual Money There

Reports surfaced earlier this week that the FBI had uncovered and blocked a plot to blow up the Federal Reserve building in New York City. Initial reports indicate that the alleged bomber, Bangladeshi student Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, wanted to “blow up all of America’s money” in order to advance the cause of radical Islam.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg was swift to condemn the plot, calling it “absolutely appalling” that anyone would think the United States had enough spare cash to keep it in the Fed building.

“The city of New York, along with our fellow Americans, will not stand for the ignorant notion that the Federal Reserve building contains actual money,” Bloomberg told reporters on the steps of the Empire State Building. “Our nation’s reserve funds are stored safely in the recesses of China’s national banks.”

Sipping his $7.39 venti non-fat peppermint white chocolate mocha, the mayor added, “Americans are broke. Duh.”

Some economists took care to point out that, in an election season, it’s not unreasonable that a visitor to the United States might be confused about the state of the economy.

Economist Jason Moore cites a speech by President Obama, given to a group of students in Wyoming, as a particularly confusing one.

“Our economy is doing splendidly,” the President said. “But not if Mitt takes over. In that case, the economy is doomed. It’s heading that way now just thinking about him… our economy is in serious danger. Have I told you guys how good the economy is?”

The alleged bomber has not issued a public statement. Nafis was, however, seen glaring at an abandoned quarter on the street and muttering that it “wouldn’t escape him” next time.