Aleksandr Vodkavak, a Russian scientist at a Russian facility in Petropavlovsk, was the first human to permanently break the sound barrier. Last week the process of sending his body to Mach 1 was finalized in the small research town.
“The specific process is classified. It involves accelerating each individual particle of a person through sub-atomic… somethings. Whatever. It worked. Shut up. We did it before those bastard Americans, anyway,” said Mikhail Sovietahsk, the lead researcher.
Vodkavak, however, has not been heard from in the days following the success.
“He just seems so aloof now… never comments on the pinup calendar in the break room, never yells about his fantasy cosmonaut team, never goes on any tirades about the sorry state of Russian politics. It’s just not like him,” said fellow scientist Vladislav Beardursky.
“I knew Aleksandr as a pretty sociable guy. He liked his dirty jokes, dirty women, and dirty vodka, but he was a brilliant scientist. Now, though, he thinks he’s too supersonic to slow down and talk to us. He hasn’t even finished his deals with the KGB. He’s got some ‘splaining to do.”
The United States has launched a full-scale investigation into the incident, ahead of the Russian government. Despite finding no leads on any of Vodkavak’s sounds, both presidential candidates have weighed in on the issue: Obama referred to it as “very despicable, [a] crime against humanity,” while Romney called the process “very marketable, particularly for those whiny Independents.”