Though he is only a few clicks away from the possibility of everlasting love, senior linguistics major Will Emmert found himself unable to proceed.
“I’ve just been burned so many times,” said the shirtless Emmert. “It’s always fun the first several hundred times around, but then things start to flicker and fade away. Knowing when to let go is the hardest.”
“I’ll always remember the good times I had with ‘squirtinteensinyoface.com.’ I always will. But it’s time to move on, and cut the cord on that $8.99 a month payment.”
Emmert considers himself to be “something of a relationship expert” with pornography.
“I’m something of a video lady’s man, I don’t mind telling you,” said the grossly overweight Emmert. “I’ve been hanging out with these women for 30, sometimes 40 hours a week ever since I first discovered my father’s old Playboy’s at age 13 or so. And then when I got my own computer in my bedroom…. Whew! It’s been a whirlwind.”
Even so, there comes a time when every virtual Don Juan must settle down, and Emmert thought he had finally found the one that was right for him.
“What can I say about ‘Squirtin’ Teens’ that hasn’t been said already?” asks Emmert. “Great videos, great value. But… things just got stale… and now I find myself truly alone for the first time. I’m not a young man anymore, and I need to find a life-website-partner.”
Emmert has considered many options, and has gone so far as to give trial runs to such esteemed websites as ‘Backalleyladyhustlas.com’ and ‘nomuffsnofuss.com.” However, he has been unable to find material that fills the void that was left in his heart and wallet by his previous love.
“I keep thinking that maybe I made a mistake, and that I should go back,” Emmert said. “But I don’t even think she would take me back. And anyway, I think I got all the computer viruses that site had to offer the first time around.”
At press time, Emmert remained unable to commit to a future with one porn site over another, although he was deeply intrigued by the potential of ‘grannydelight.net.”
