Man on way to Heaven misreads signs from God, ends up in Council Bluffs

Classic case of the “whoopsies” here, folks. As rural Nebraskan farmer and father of three, John Spencer, saw those mythologized bright lights from the comfort of his deathbed, he made a mistake he’ll never be able to take back.

Venturing outside of his mortal vessel, Spencer ascended. Many see the expedition to the afterlife to be pretty straightforward; however, that is not the case. God leaves signs for your soul to follow to reach Heaven’s pearly gates – signs from God if you will.

“I didn’t realize how complicated it might be to get to Heaven. I just thought I’d float there or something,” Spencer said, disheartened. “I just remember an Angel flew to me, gave me printed directions from MapQuest and sent me on my way through the universe.”

What Spencer didn’t realize was in order to reach Heaven, one must have an in-depth understanding of the cosmos. An understanding Spencer never understood.

“The directions said to ‘ascend past the Hazerothian system in Nebula 485 and merge left into the Broopily Galaxy across from Steak n’ Shake,’” Spencer said. “So, I figured I’d just hop on I-80 and let the road take me.”

And take him it did, right into Council-tucky, Iowa. It took Spencer a while to fully comprehend his whereabouts.

“From a distance, I saw what I thought to be a towering gate, glistening on the horizon,” Spencer said. “But it was just a bridge. A big bridge, with rusty trash on it. I thought, ‘this is no Heaven…this – this is Hell.’”

Sadly for Spencer, it wasn’t Hell. His soul is lost in the worst of what the Midwest has to offer, where he will spend the rest of eternity wading through Bass Pro Shops, bleak cornfields and truck stops for miles on end.