Mild Cough Plagues Nation

Officials from the Centers for Disease Control were stunned earlier this week by an outbreak of mild cough cases that have swept across the United States.

The CDC reported earlier this week that cases of the mild cough have been found in all 50 states, with over 104,680,925,002 hospitalizations reported. Confirmed deaths are estimated at well over 35,000, with more expected as the mild cough scourge rages on.

“You’ve got to be joking,” said Dr. Pierce Williams, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases at the National Institute of Health. “Seriously, a plague of mild coughing? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

According to the CDC, the pestilence is expected to last over 40 weeks. Some scientists from the CDC say it could last even longer, with the aftermath of the outbreak expected to create problems even after the worst is over.

“Actually, we never said any of that,” said Michael Harrison, director of the CDC. “I think you news types are blowing this out of proportion. The CDC doesn’t recognize the mild cough as a plague or even as terribly misfortunate.”

Residents in Lincoln, Nebraska, one of the most heavily affected cities, have started seeing the effects of the disease as it spreads throughout the city.

“No, I haven’t really seen anyone with just a mild cough come into our office,” said Nancy Smith, a nurse at Bryan Health. “We had a guy come in last week coughing a little bit, but that was nothing.”

“He just needed a drink of water.”