Modest Freshman Saving “Butt Stuff” For Second Semester

As of Monday evening, reports began circulating that campus freshman Gracie McPherson has chosen to wait until the second half of the year to experiment with sexual activity involving her anus.

“I’m still getting acclimated to the college environment,” McPherson stated at press time. “What with balancing school, work and other extracurricular activities, I just don’t think I have enough time to adequately commit to trying out butt stuff.”

Aside from the rigorous demands of college life, McPherson’s decision to put rectal penetration on hold can also be attributed to her devout faith.

“I’m a firm believer in the gospel, and I think sex should be saved for marriage. That’s why I want to have butt sex so bad, because technically I will still be a virgin and Jesus will still bless me for being faithful to his teachings. Still, I don’t want to seem like a promiscuous Jezebel that leads men into a life of sexual sin, so I’m trying to be nonchalant about wanting to get slammed right in the dirt button.”

With first semester quickly coming to a close, McPherson is slowly gearing up for the moment she will pop her butt cherry.

“I want it to be perfect,” McPherson elaborated. “I already have it planned out. A romantic night out gazing at the stars, ending with the guy of my choice vigorously packing my fudge. No condom, either because it’s a form of birth control and that goes against my faith. I ain’t no punk bitch. That would be my dream scenario.”

In the meantime, McPherson plans to make headway on her selection for the lucky man, sifting through those who are totally okay with butt sex and those who are completely grossed out by it.