Through a long and complicated breeding, gene splicing and enzyme injection process, warlocks at Monstano have successfully implanted pumpkin spiced latte DNA into the common pumpkin.
“They said it couldn’t be done, that it was a crime against nature,” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant. “Who’s laughing now, huh? Who’s playing God now?”
Critics are saying this new pumpkin spiced breed is just yet another addition to the already oversaturated spiced pumpkin arena. They say this pumpkin is harmful to competition and will harm struggling pumpkin patches.
“My customers are asking me, ‘Does it taste like cinnamon and nutmeg? Can I get it with whipped cream?’,” said pumpkin farmer Yorick Graves. “What? No, of course not, what would make them think that?”
Through cleverly engineering a few select coconut genes, the new pumpkin is filled with sweet, creamy Starbucks coffee, one need only drill into it to enjoy.
“This is literally the greatest thing to ever exist,” said Lacey Velton, 20, a speech pathology major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, taking frequent glugs of latte from a full-sized pumpkin.
A missive from Monsanto’s ancient, hidden research tombs confirmed the new hybrid gourd is virus, bacteria, drought and herbicide resistant, rendering the beasts virtually unkillable.
“The stage is set,” Grant said. “Soon, my pumpkins will be everywhere. In every home, in every coffee shop and grocery store. There is no escape.”
At press time, the spiced latte pumpkin prototype is still at large and reportedly unstable. The escaped pumpkin is known to prey on people who wear tights or enjoy that warm, fuzzy fall feeling, whom are advised to stay inside and lock their doors until further notice.