Just a week removed from the revelations that a professor in the Glenn Korff School of Music was running an illicit steroid ring in the halls of Westbrook Music Building, the school has been hit with another scandal.
Recently uncovered documents have revealed that Dr. Alexander Smith, the senior faculty member in charge of experimental vocals, was providing students with drugs that gave the students a perfect ear.
“This is outrageous,” said one unnamed faculty member. “That crazy idiot has been cheating to get his students to the top, disgracing the rest of us.”
This faculty member went on to say that despite the mental and emotional scars he has inflicted on his students over the years, he was proud to have never done something immoral or wrong.
“Yeah, I may have contributed to some crushed hopes and dreams, but at least I didn’t cut corners to make my students better,” the professor said. “It isn’t my fault that they sucked.”
Although Smith was unable to be reached for comment due to his incarceration, a source close to him was able to provide some insight.
“Yeah, Alex was just trying to help his students out,” the informant said. “I guess it only really counts as human experimentation when you look at it through that lens.”
The source went on to say that Smith was not in the wrong, and that he only gave the students “the belief that they could succeed, and a felonious amount of experimental drugs.”
“I guess when you put it that way, it sounds pretty bad,” admitted the source. “But the fact of the matter is, Dr. Smith tested all of the drugs on himself, with no side effects whatsoever.”
University officials, declining to comment on the termination itself, said that scientists in the Chemistry department were investigating. Rumors have spread that voluntary test subjects have developed a love for fine classical music, and a deep-seated hatred of the Bathtub Dogs.