Nation Nervously Awaits Mel Gibson’s Stance on Israel Conflict

Even in an increasingly muddled Middle East, the Israel-Palestinian conflict is a very complex struggle; each side is burdened with thousands of years of religious, cultural and political differences. Despite a recent ceasefire, he conflict is unlikely to be fully resolved any time soon and will only grow in intensity as various nations and political figures spout their opinions on the battle.

The only unifying factor between both sides is that no one wants to hear what Mel Gibson is about to say on the matter.

Mr. Gibson has a history of bold and controversial remarks about Israel, so when rumors of an impromptu press statement began circulating, TMZ reporters immediately rushed to the actor’s Hollywood home. In a surprise move, the reporters left their cameras behind and simply swarmed to Mr. Gibson’s door, using their combined heft to prevent Mr. Gibson from blurting out the phrase “Jew Problem that darkens the world.”

TMZ’s rush for decency over gotcha headlines may surprise some readers, but they are hardly alone in this stance. American citizens across the country are living in fear of what Mel might say, and have been mentally preparing themselves for the inevitable fallout from his remarks. Although Mel remains pinned indoors for now, it’s only a matter of time before he reminds the country of “the eight Jews that control the banking system.”

The possibility of Mel Gibson appearing uncensored on network TV has stirred America into a unification not seen since 9/11. All Americans, no matter their background have been brought together under a single banner, plugging the nation’s collective ears and making loud yelling noises until Gibson is done talking.

But some fear that ignoring these remarks may not be enough of a precaution. FEMA has begun handing out pamphlets entitled “What to Expect When You’re Expecting (an Actor’s
Anti-Semitic Rant)” and “Are Your Children Old Enough to Know About Mel?” And as Mr. Gibson is reportedly putting the finishing touches on his manifesto, “That One Time Israel totally Killed Jesus,” this advice cannot come soon enough.

As of press time, Hamas refused to comment on Mr. Gibson’s opinions, stating that they refused to be associated with the activities of terrorists.