Nebraska senators jealous of English professors’ ability to read

Criticisms continued to haunt the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s English department, as three rural senators wrote an opinion piece in the Hastings Tribune Monday, reprimanding the department’s “leftist” political intentions.

In their shared piece, the senators expressed concern about the safety of conservative students and wondered “does anyone teach English anymore at UNL?”

However, the real reason the three senators were so upset was not because of assumed leftist biases, but rather that they were jealous of UNL English professors’ ability to read, a skill the senators lack.

Each senator opened up to The DailyER about their lack of mental capacity to process the meaning of words, and how the talent of reading that every UNL English faculty member has is an insult to their unintelligence.

“It’s a struggle to live your life as an illiterate – heck, the only way we got this letter out to the public is by all three of us shouting at our interns and them summing up the important parts,” Steve Erdman of Bayard, Nebraska, confessed through his intern.

“So when those professors in the big city show off their readin’ skills it makes us poor old non-readers feel inferior.”

Tom Brewer of Gordon, Nebraska, was much more defensive of his illiteracy, citing time and choice as the reasons why he never studied the practice.

“I could’ve learned how to read but there’s only so much time in the day and it’s not a skill I need in my job as a senator of rinky-dink Nebraska,” Brewer said via telephone. “However, what I do have time for is prohibiting English professors from indoctrinating students with socialist texts – well at least from what I’ve heard; I’m not really sure because I can’t read.”

Steve Halloran of Hastings was somewhat myopic in his explanation.

“Rjdkvowdnvjek Blake nskejcxkss skfjs skfjwb. Voter sockvrm event s Mbidj dbenc ovmgvkzc fec la cnekdovttt,” Halloran sent via email. “Vjrocb 3fdnvksq4 fnfovkfe wosn ossss lovswh mnekc.”

When asked whether the actions of three highly over-qualified, illiterate senators will change the curriculum of the department, UNL English’s response was a dozen or so laughing emojis, so even the senators themselves could understand it.

  • LadyC

    Best laugh all day!