Nebrasketball’s explosive offense detonates, creates 50-mile blast radius

In an eruption that made the Pinnacle Bank Arena resemble a watermelon stuffed with an M-80, the Nebraska men’s basketball team accidentally played too hard against the Iowa Hawkeyes last Saturday, triggering a thermonuclear explosion and sending the state into fallout.

The crowd of 15,268 were left saturated in radiation, causing fans to resemble sickly green glow sticks.

“A basketball game and a rave? Neat!” local soccer mom Julie Cavner said.

There was no difference among the Iowa fans and players, however, as anyone who likes black and yellow together must already be suffering from radiation poisoning.

The surrounding 50 miles resembled something out of a dystopian sci-fi novel or modern-day Texas. Trees were unrooted, gnarled around street lamps and the ruins of decimated buildings. Cars were melted into concrete. Cats were chasing dogs. It was an abhorrent scene, one that raises the question of how far mankind is willing to push the limits of college basketball.

“Is the development of genetic mutations really worth hanging 98 on Iowa?” anti-nuclear activist Iona Zashon said with teary eyes and a heavy heart. “People might think of me as a free radical, but I feel it’s our solemn duty to not let this happen again.”

Still, others were convinced the display had been the best game of basketball they’d ever seen, despite being blinded by the brightness of the blast immediately afterward.

“That was super rad! I’m so yolked!” the now two-headed UNL sophomore Jake Ulrich said. “I can’t wait to get tickets for the next game; I just hope they don’t charge me double.”