OPINION: I need to get a waifu

By Lonely Uncle Jerry

For the first time in 27 years, I’m going to be alone on Valentine’s Day, and I need to vent.

My wife Margaret left last summer after I was fired from my office job, and I decided to start a folk band instead of looking for a new job. It’s been lonely, but after spending many hours on this World Wide Web, I’ve discovered these Japanese cartoons called “anime.” After getting into some “anime,” I ventured into the forums of 4Chan and learned about “waifus.”

A waifu is an animated character who a person feels a romantic attraction to, and I need to get me one of them.

After digging further into the forums, I discovered that there are websites where you can get a waifu printed onto a body pillow so you can hold onto something in your sleep. I might get that since I miss having Margaret in my arms as we fell asleep watching re-runs of “CSI: Miami.”

The forums also suggested that I can take a waifu body pillow out in public. Normally, I would think that would be weird, but I’m lonely and I want to show the world that I can be happy, even if it’s with someone who is fictional.

The first step in this process is to find a fictional character to fall in love with. Can anyone help me out with that? I need a character with big ole brown eyes and colored hair. I need something the opposite of my Margaret so I can try to get over her.

If you have any suggestions, just add me on Facebook. Or on MyAnimeList.net. Please.