New Iranian President to Reveal Craziness on Third, Fourth Date

“Don’t be fooled,” is the overarching rhetoric of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “President Obama and I are totes besties.”
“He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing,” warns the conservative Netanyahu, clearly attempting to set himself up for the “I Fucking Told You So” award.
But whom is this hummus-loving amigo prophesying? None other than the newly elected Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, who is currently trying to flirt with the West.
Compared to the rocky relationship the United States had with that rascally holocaust-denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, relations with Rouhani may hold promise of a future that is pleasantly less nuclear armageddon-ey. After all, the 64-year-old cleric claims he desires nothing but peace, commends Syria for giving up their chemical weapons stockpile, and allegedly wished Jews a happy Rosh Hashanah via Twitter.
“The man is quite a catch,” began Secretary of State John Kerry in a recent press conference. “He’s got everything I look for in a scheming Middle Eastern oppressor: signs of compassion but still largely questionable views on civil rights, and a Twitter account. Not to mention, he keeps his turban in pristine form and has a kick-ass beard.”

Indeed, Rouhani, with his smooth ‘Sultan of Agrabah’ looks and Persian persuasion, seems to be instilling into the hearts of U.S. officials the hope that perhaps he is a kink in the shitty foreign leader chain–a new direction in the Middle East. In late September, Hassan Rouhani gave a surprisingly not bat-shit bonkers speech to the UN detailing his mostly benevolent intentions, and he’s been warming hearts ever since.

Some, however, aren’t so sure of Rouhani’s character, and are taking the path of skepticism that Netanyahu is trailblazing. This faction of political figures point to Hassan’s closet enmity of Jewish people, and his firm declaration of Iran’s right to possess a nuclear weapons program.

“Watch out, I say! He’s like a sex-crazed wombat with mutated rabies hiding in the brush, waiting to rape the West of their democratic influence,” Netanyahu shouted obnoxiously to literally anyone who was listening.

One thing is for certain: Obama is receiving diplomatic phone calls from Rouhani (something that hasn’t happened with an Iranian leader since 1979) which means that Rouhani and the U.S. are entering the ever-apprehensive dating phase,getting a feel for each other, hiding critical flaws under fake smiles and overpowering cologne, and of course, spying on each other’s old Facebook photos to see what sort of slut the other was hooking up with in the past.

When dealing with Iran, the question of what tomorrow brings is always answered tentatively, but the overall consensus points to a raised American guard; later on in this dating process, perhaps just when we think its finally okay to take Iran home and bang ‘til the sun comes up, Rouhani could reveal his inner-madman and strike when America is naked (except for its socks) and vulnerable.