New Runza Employee Not Phoning It In, Yet

Miles Simmons, sophomore Economics major and new Runza employee, has not yet begun to treat his job as the low-income, dead end position it is, sources inside the restaurant indicate.

Simmons, who began his first day at the fast-food restaurant by repeatedly stating he was “grateful for the opportunity,” has apparently not realized the hopelessness of his situation.

“He’s, like, smiling and stuff,” said Runza patron James Judson. “Even when I told him to hurry the fuck up with my fries, he apologized and brought them out right away. The last guy would’ve just ignored me or made me wait longer.”

The Runza in question, situated in the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Student Union, is particularly known for its impatient patrons, who oftentimes simply want to eat quickly and get to class or tend to their hangovers. As it is highly trafficked, and normally understaffed, typical backups and incorrect orders are the norm.

Simmons, however, has not shown any outward signs of these traits. Unusually attentive, prompt, and responsive, Simmons has shown optimism toward future advancement within the restaurant.

His manager could not be reached for comment, as he was busy dozing lightly in the kitchen area, an unlit cigarette in his hand.

Simmons, for his part, had an unusual explanation for his behavior.

“It’s my job to make the customer’s lives a little easier. I can only hope I’m doing that.”

“Beside which,” he added, “it beats the hell out of working for Planet Sub.”