As the National Football League rolls into the second half of its season, the lingering issues of concussions continue to haunt the game as more and more former players are testing positive for CTE late in their careers.
However, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is not convinced that concussions are a problem in the game, as he has found new information from “science guys” stating that more concussions are caused by beating your head against a wall than the actual game of football itself.
“The data shows that a straight beating of head against a wall for five to 60 minutes causes more brain damage than just occasionally getting your head beaten in for three to four hours,” Goodell said. “It’s clearly factual, I have the science to prove it.”
When asked who contributed to the medical research, Goodell’s answers were more than questionable.
“Real good, smart doctors, the ones with the PhD’s after their names,” Goodell explained. “They didn’t have to be medical doctors, a whole diverse group of individuals contributed.”
Reaction to Goodell’s latest announcement has received mixed reactions from across the game, but it has been generally agreed upon that this is another way for Goodell to distract from his sinking reputation.
“Goodell is a corrupt and dumb man,” said Carolina Panthers defensive end Jared Allen. “However, if true, as a man who has spent 11 years in the league, it is good to know that football is safer than the competitive, lucrative nature of head-wall smashing,”
With another potential notch of corruption against Goodell, many are now wondering how long the commissioner will last in his position, but he is refusing to back down on this new head-wall epidemic.
“Clearly, the problem is not football but walls themselves,” Goodell told a crowd of confused sports reporters. “We need to tear down every wall imaginable before they take us over, only then will we have a safer sport.”