Historically, the Electoral College’s 538 members have been staffed with people respected for their strength within their respective parties. Many are given the honor based on a long history of leadership or personal affiliation with the candidates. This year, however, children’s network Nickelodeon intervened in an attempt to give the power back to the kids.
“We’ve been holding elections among Nick viewers since 1988, and have only incorrectly predicted the president once. That’s a better success rate than, like, every one of [“Fairly Oddparents” teacher] Mr. Crocker’s plots combined,” said Todd Dullfest, representative of Nickelodeon’s PR division.
“So the next step became obvious: literally put the kids in charge. If they can vote based on the country’s thoughts without even seeing the polls, the future looks bright.”
Many of the electors expressed excitement that they would be choosing the President of the United States directly.
“Mom’s going to let me stay up past my bedtime! This is so cool!” said little Timmy, a twelve-and-a-half-year-old Delaware elector.
“I’m voting for Obama because my daddy said he’d get the belt out again if I voted for Romney,” said Molly, an elector from Ohio. “And Mommy doesn’t want him to start drinking again.”
Some electors declined to be interviewed because voting for the president was “lame, a total dweeb move,” said Biff, a self-proclaimed “playground thug.”
“I’m picking Obama, though, because he and I have a lot in common: I take lunch money from dorks, he takes money from the working class. It’s like we’re the same dude, dude,” continued Biff.
The electors at Forkton Elementary School in Ohio have attempted to reach out to the candidates in exchange for promises on “longer recess, nap time, and no homework.”
“Cutting a deal like this would give me more time to focus on Pokemon,” said Walter, an elector attending the Forkton convention. “Pikachu is the best, but only if I can train with him during recess!”
Both candidates declined comment.