Nihilist baby doesn’t care about SIDS

Glenn Hawkins, a five-month-old boy from East Bend, Missouri, went viral recently after his parents asked for advice in a Facebook parenting group pertaining to a “baby that is displaying signs of existential nihilism.”

Glenn’s mother, Marie Hawkins is much more worried about her son than he seems to be about himself.

“He’s just so apathetic about everything. He never smiles when he sees us, and doesn’t seem to enjoy playing peekaboo or anything.” Mrs. Hawkins explained in an exclusive interview with The DailyER, “At first, we thought it might be autism, but we haven’t vaccinated him so it couldn’t be that.”

The DailyER correspondent sent to cover the Hawkins family’s dilemma found five-month-old Glenn Hawkins sitting in an overstuffed chair in front of a blazing fireplace, a thick tome perched on his stubby legs and his father turning the pages for him.

“My view on life and its inherent value changed after I started reading Sartre and Nietzsche,” Hawkins said when asked for comment on his beliefs. “I know it sounds absurd for an infant to know how to read or even speak for that matter,” Hawkins continued,  “but keep your absurdist views to yourself and Camus, if you would.”

When asked about his stance on sudden infant death syndrome, Hawkins took a puff from a nearby wooden pipe, taking moment to mull over his response.

“While I used to fear the possibility of death from being placed on my tummy to go night-night, Nietzsche has convinced me that nothing important would change if I were to pass,” Hawkins said in between long puffs from his pipe. “The Earth would still revolve, seasons would still change as humanity continues down its path of causing boo-boos and ouchies to each other. I care not whether I live or die, only whether I receive my thrice-a-day naps.”