Recently leaked NSA documents revealed that you should probably stop Google-searching symptoms and just make a doctor appointment.
Yet another in the series of shocking secret documents revealed by former data analyst and current traitor, Edward Snowden, these secret files contained proof that the National Security Agency thinks there is no sense in just worrying about it for weeks, just bite the bullet and see a damn doctor.
“There is only so much you can learn from Internet searches. If you’re that worried about it, just go to the doctor’s office and make an appointment,” the NSA documents reportedly said to the American people.
“Based on your search history, you’re pretty worried about it.”
The documents also said you should clear your Internet history, so no one sees those disgusting pictures your paranoid image searches bring up.
“Especially your family members. You really don’t want don’t want them to know what you think you have,” the documents said.
When pressed for comment, Gen. Keith B. Alexander, Director of the NSA, was quick to point out that they know it’s not any of their business, but you really should listen to your body more often.
“If you go and it turns out it’s nothing then you don’t have to worry anymore,” the leaked NSA documents continued, “and if it actually turns out to be serious, then you’re in the right place.”
“So, there’s no sense in putting it off, alright?” the documents revealed.
Key sections of the leaked documents also went into specific detail how, after a certain point, all you’re really doing is scaring yourself.
“All those stupid websites tell you is that you have lymphoma or diabetes,” the documents pointed out.
“There’s no sense in losing sleep over it, just have a doctor check it out and then you’ll know what to do.”
A Democratic Party official who refused to be named wholeheartedly agreed with the revelations.
“While you’re at it, ask your doctor if Rezorem is right for you, your dreams miss you.”
This information came to light shortly after a separate leaked NSA document revealed that no, your ex hasn’t posted any nude pictures anywhere on the Internet yet, so stop looking.
Also, these documents reiterated the fact that you should actually read the links you click on before you make an ass of yourself in the comments.
At press time, further leaked NSA documents revealed that the naked Snap Chats are still A-Okay.
“Keep ‘em comin’.”