NUTS Refuses to Protect Black Squirrels

Nebraskans for the Upgraded Treatment of Squirrels (N.U.T.S.) President Carl Scholt announced yesterday that N.U.T.S. would only be protecting the eastern grey squirrel and would not be protecting the black squirrel subgroup. The N.U.T.S. members voted on this issue last night after it had been found out that black squirrels were not specifically mentioned under the organization’s original manifesto, written when the group was formed.

“While I am a strict believer in the protection of all squirrels, it is true that as a group, N.U.T.S. signed a manifesto saying we would protect the Eastern Grey Squirrels living on both City and East Campus,” Scholt said.

“I wish we could include the black squirrel, but to go back on the manifesto now would be against everything we believe in: you know, the freedom of squirrels.”

Scholt did emphasize that many of the goals they are attempting to reach would help black squirrels even if they were not the intended target and that they would “never, ever” attempt to harm the black squirrel in any way. He added that “really, they should still be considered a friend to the black squirrel” even if they are not actively helping it.

“I think it’s important to stick to your guns, so to speak, and that’s why I voted with Scholt to only protect the grey squirrels. To go back on our manifesto now would destroy everything we’ve been working toward, the complete safety of the squirrels,” N.U.T.S. member Emily Codt said.

“Changing our stated goals now would basically be giving a death sentence to our group and the squirrels on this campus, including the black squirrels. If you think about it, refusing to help the black squirrel is really the only way we could truly help the black squirrel.”