Obama raises minimum dating age


President Barack Obama earlier this week vetoed a formal request from his oldest daughter Malia, 14, to go to dinner and a movie with one of her male classmates, instead electing to suspend her privilege of dating indefinitely.

The official decision came merely seconds after the question was initially proposed, with the President adopting a firm, uncompromising stance on the issue.

“Nuh-uh, not in my White House,” Obama declared adamantly. “No spoiled punk rich kid is gonna try and work his magic on my precious little baby girl.”

The move drew much criticism from many of Obama’s critics, with several well known bloggers speaking out.

“This just goes to show the President has no idea what he is talking about,” said Stephanie Cumberbatch on her blog dedicated to political discussion and cat pictures. “Raising the minimum dating age will only lead to inflation of self-esteem problems within teens.”

Despite the harsh comments from his opponents, Obama remains unwilling to compromise with the opposing party.

“This guy better back off my daughter if he knows what’s good for him,” Obama said. “Everyone thinks I hate firearms but I got no problem showing this little jerk my personal gun collection.”

Since Obama’s controversial decision, Malia has been on lockdown, having her cell phone taken away as well as her Facebook and Twitter accounts temporarily deactivated. Obama has also issued an order to all secret service agents to shoot and kill any “smug-faced snotnose that so much as sneezes towards Malia.”