Following the loss of former Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the Occupy Wall Street protesters and Wall Street executives were able to set aside their differences this past weekend to mourn the passing of the technological and cultural icon. Executives and protesters could be seen hugging each other and crying into one another’s shoulders as they paid their respects to America’s “greatest hero.”
Jobs had a legion of followers among the young protesters for his sleek, “super badass” designs; he also had many admirers among the Wall Street executives for his ability to overcharge consumers and completely lack empathy for the environment while remaining popular among supposed opponents of these type of corporate activities.
“Whenever we screw our customers, we get thrown in front of senators and everyone tells us we’re evil. But Steve, that guy screwed customers on a daily basis. He constantly lied to them, and took as much of their money as he possibly could, and they loved him anyway,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein.
“To say I looked up to him would be an understatement. The man was my hero.”
Several mourners, who had been protesting for days, said that instead of protesting Wall Street they would probably head to Washington to protest in favor of a national holiday celebrating Steve Jobs.
“The man was an American Icon; the type of guy all of us should look up to. I can remember the first time my parents bought me an iPod… it was the best day of my life,” said Steve Bouman while holding up a sign with ‘Stop Corporate Greed’ crossed out and ‘Steve Jobs: American Hero’ written over the top.
“In fact, I’m only up here protesting because my parents kicked me out after I called them selfish assholes for not being able to afford to buy me the iPad 2. I mean, how much could it possibly cost? Amazon’s selling that stupid wannabe-iPad Kindle thing for under two dollars.”
Former Lehman Brothers CEO, Richard S. Fuld Jr, could be seen in the fetal position, crying, on a Wall Street corner and saying in between sobs that Steve Jobs was “my God, my icon” and, had he had Jobs’ ability to trick customers into believing he had their best interests in mind, he would have “never” needed to explain himself and could have screwed customers in peace, “like Steve did.”
Many former protesters called their parents throughout the night, telling them it was now imperative that they be given the newest iPhone as it was the final one Steve Jobs had ever been a part of.
“My parents know how important Apple products are to my happiness, but now it’s even more important,” said a former protester who was still wearing a shirt that read “Environment First.”
“I have to have the last amazing product that the greatest man who ever lived put his hands on.”