As the 2016 Presidential race draws close to its first real contest, every candidate attempts to make a final push that will separate them from the pack. Past election cycles have had candidates attending Iowa sporting events or touring a Pizza Ranch in every county but when facing a state exhausted by politicking, appealing to Iowans is harder than ever. However, former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley believes he may have just found what Iowa wants and more importantly what his fledgling campaign needs; the candidate recently married a six-foot tall corn stalk.
At a recent Council Bluffs stop, O’Malley drew in all in the Pancheros closer to his staff table. His campaign had teased a “game-changing” announcement earlier in the day and he wanted his supporters to be aware that they were witnessing caucus history.
“Well guys, I’m glad you all came out tonight. Kind of thought there’d be some more people here after I posted that Vine earlier but it’s alright. It’s always alright,” said O’Malley. “Anyways I have a guest I’d like you to meet. Her name is Maizey and I think you’ll really like her!”
O’Malley then tore down a curtain fashioned out of an Iowa flag to reveal a dry corn stalk wearing lipstick and a blonde wig.
“Meet my wife Iowa, look familiar?”
Reports indicate that after a brief moment of confusion, the ten attendants rushed toward the candidate, embracing both him and his lovely bride.
“You know you get a lot of candidates coming down to this ‘fly-over state’ and trying to talk down to us. Quite frankly I’m sick of it,” said Josh Bloomington, a man who until recently had been unsure of O’Malley’s chances in Iowa. “Ya know, I actually thought he had a human wife until this week; shows what I know.”
Other potential-voters surveyed said they weren’t sure about how they felt about a male governor marrying a female piece of corn in a wig but said that as long as it didn’t wasn’t a gay corn marriage, they would be largely okay with it.