OPINION: God forgives us all our sins, except for, like, three or four sins

God is pretty awesome if you ask me. Pastors preach of his wondrous creations and his imminence within our world. No matter how many times we mess up in life, God is there to save us. At least, that’s what the pastors preach on at church.

But, if you think about it, there are roughly two billion Christians around the world today, and let’s say the average person sins once per day. So that’s two billion sins every day. So, if there are 86,400 seconds in a day, then people are sinning at a rate of over 23,000 sins per second. That’s a lot for one guy to handle!

Perhaps God doesn’t forgive ALL of our sins. Like, it’s pretty easy for God to forgive the occasionally uttered “shit” or “damn it,” since it’s pretty common. But there are some sins that take up so much time to forgive a person for that God can’t waste his time with them.

For example, God can forgive someone for not texting back after a couple of hours, given a reasonable excuse. Say your phone died or you were at an event, then that’s a pretty easy pass from God. But if you are going to go to the effort to read someone’s message and leave them hanging on “Read,” then you might as well pack your bags because you’ve earned yourself a one-way ticket to hell. Even worse are the people who leave you on “Read” and then post on social media afterward. Like, really man? If you’re going to play me like that, then God doesn’t have time to play with you.

Another thing that God treads a fine line with is dog owners. Yeah, dogs are adorable and all that, but a good dog requires a good owner. Sure, if you’re walking your dog and he comes up to me and slobbers on my pant leg, that’s no problem at all. But if you are going to let your Border Collie take a nice crap on my lawn and you fail to pick up after your dog, then guess what, you’re burning in hell with Mr. I-Leave-People-On-Read. It’s even worse if I happen to step in the present left behind for me. If you don’t have the few seconds to pick up after your dog, then God doesn’t have the few seconds to forgive you for being an awful person.

The worst sin of them all, one that no God could ever forgive a person for, is when people park over the lines in parking lots. Sure, I’m not the best parker in the world. Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) my car is kind of crooked in the parking spot. But at least I stay within the lines. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to park three levels up in a parking garage because some douche canoe couldn’t even take ten seconds to straighten out just a little. God doesn’t have that kind of time to forgive you for being inconsiderate of other drivers.

In the end, God is still amazing. Yeah, he’s most likely going to forgive you for cutting in line at Chipotle or talking on your phone a little too loud in public (if it’s important). But, truthfully, he just doesn’t have the time to handle everyone’s sins. Maybe if we all sinned a little less, God wouldn’t have to be so iffy with certain people.