KYDNEY: Poltergeists have no place in a learning environment

Raymond Kydney | The DailyER
Raymond Kydney | The DailyER

This has been a point of debate for a long time at this university, and up until now I’ve kept my opinions on the matter to myself. But, I can’t stay quiet any longer. It’s high time something is done about the poltergeists haunting Love Library.

Now I know I can’t speak for everyone on this, but if you ask me, the vengeful spirits that call Love Library their home are beyond a distraction. I can’t tell you how many times in my three years of attending the University of Nebraska-Lincoln I’ve gone to the library to find a specific book, only to have it constantly shift position while a dark apparition whispers unsettling cosmic truths in my ear.

It doesn’t just stop there with these phantoms, either. Just last week I booked a study room and sat down to do research on Immanuel Kant for a philosophy paper, when all of a sudden my book began weeping copious amounts of viscous blood while all of my pencils began clattering around the room in a noisome whirlwind. It was only after begging the spirits for a solid five minutes to knock it off that they finally gave it a rest. Honestly, I don’t know how the university expects us to get anything done with the library as haunted as it is.

The few protests against the poltergeists on campus have been met with staunch opposition from the UNL Undead Allies Society, that argues that despite no longer having a corporeal body, these spirits were at one point human and thus deserve access to all of the university’s facilities. While the Undead Allies have their heart in the right place, I have to say that they are more than misguided.

Sure, some of the campus’ undead should be allowed into the library, like my roommate James O’Malley, a junior marketing major who also happens to be a lich. Despite being an undead mockery of humanity and blight in the eyes of God, he always shows the utmost courtesy when using the library. The poltergeists, however, do not, and if living humans were to behave as they do, there’s no doubt in my mind that they wouldn’t get banned from Love Library. Just because they were once human should not give them a free pass to be douchebags.

Now, I could put up with the ghosts if they only took out their tortured existence on me occasionally. I mean, I could see them causing me to trip down the stairs, showing me visions of my own rapidly decaying corpse or possessing me and making me bash my head into a wall for ten minutes straight, like, once or twice a visit at most. But as it currently stands, they’re fucking with me at every opportunity they can get, and to be honest, it kind of sucks.

This has gone on long enough, and I’m sure at least some of our readers will agree with me despite the inherent controversy of this article.

Enough is enough. Ronnie Green, hire a goddamn exorcist.