Perlman announces un-retirement at final ‘Perl’ address

Harvey Perlman

At his April 1 State of the University Address – his final one – Chancellor Harvey Perlman announced plans to reverse his intention to retire, which he announced last year on the same date.

Instead, Perlman will continue his duties with no clear plans to step down in sight.

“That was definitely a joke,” Perlman said. “This is a pretty cozy job; I think I’ll keep it. I don’t wanna give up a free parking spot downtown; that’s just too good to pass up.”

Students, faculty and staff were caught off guard by Perlman’s announcement. Most in attendance expected a sort of Perlman victory lap. Instead, they were met with more years of Perlman and a to-be-determined number of Perls of Knowledge to come.

“April Fool’s Day can be crazy,” sophomore economics major Jamie Meyers said. “Definitely wouldn’t have called the old man pulling a stunt like this one.”

In his address, Perlman said the main reason he won’t be retiring is unfulfilled goals.

“We still haven’t hit 30,000 students,” he said. “You know, I’ve got some time to spare. Let’s make it 31,000 now.”

Additionally, Perlman said he is contractually forbidden to retire during a school year that the football team has a losing record.

Although this is an undeniably strange clause, Perlman said it was impossible to picture the Huskers where they are now when he was hired in early 2001.

Besides these two main reasons, Perlman listed off minor odds and ends he’d like to change as well, including putting a Runza on East Campus.

“It’s a grave injustice that students on East Campus don’t have the same access to hot beef sandwiches that we do here,” he said. “Something has to change.”

Following the address, Perlman reportedly pulled an April Fool’s joke on the three remaining finalists for his job by telling them the job they applied for does not exist.

At press time, it is unclear if last year’s announcement, this year’s or both are a joke.

Editor’s note: This article is a part of the Daily Nebraskan and DailyER joint satirical issue, the HalfasskanER.