Pandemonium erupted in Dr. Mark Augustine’s Philosophy 101 class when Augustine accidentally proved that philosophy classes are a huge waste of time and money.
At 2:12 p.m. on Wednesday, Augustine was wrapping up a lecture on David Hume and his ideas on Skepticism. “Hume tells us,” Augstine explained, “that everything we think we know for certain is only based on our past experiences. We expect the sun to rise because it has risen every day in the past. Tomorrow is a complete uncertainty.”
Augustine went on to elaborate that nothing is real, and even metaphysical concepts like politics and love are only defined by context. Details beyond this point have been pieced together from surviving eyewitness accounts.
According to sources, Augustine attempted to finish his lethargy-inducing lecture with a note of grandeur. Reports say the 43-year-old professor approached the front of his lecture hall with his arms outstretched. “Nothing is real, and nothing has value. Not you, not your education, not even this philosophy class,” he said. “Philosophy is just a human construct and has absolutely no application to daily life.”
It was then that Augustine realized what he had done. With a look of abject horror, he sunk to his knees. “Oh God. Oh God, what have I done,” he whispered.
Grainy cell phone footage recovered from the wreckage of the lecture hall provided a glimpse into the carnage that resulted.
Panicked freshmen desperately clawed their way through the thrashing masses in an attempt to reach safety at the door. While some students merely hide beneath their seats and emitted piteous wails.
One brave student, later identified as Ashley Brisinsky, was seen trying to restore order. A sophomore was observed standing on a row of seats, shouting as she supported a fallen classmate.
“But don’t you see,” Brisinsky shouted. “The very nature of philosophy means that it finds value in itself!”
She was cut short when Augustine’s graduate assistant threw the overhead projector which struck her down from her perch.
Campus Police were first on the scene, followed by Health Center representatives who provided Band-Aids and Tylenol to survivors.
Augustine has yet to be apprehended. His graduate assistant, whose identity has yet been released, has been taken to the University of Nebraska Medical Center for extensive psychological damage brought on by realizing he spent six years and approximately $80,000 on an advanced philosophy degree.