Sitting through the first Democratic debate on October 13 was hell, reported 18-year-old theater major Jordan Gates.
“I was just sitting in the Abel game room, watching the debates on the couch with my liberal arts buddies, when this douche in a fedora just plopped himself down right next to me,” Gates said, who just wanted to watch Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) torch the stage with his expressive hand gestures.
“Then he just started ranting about how he was actually a political science minor and that if I was ever confused while watching it, that I could come to him for help. The fucking gall of this guy?”
This fedora-wearing political expert was had useful quips about the debate all night, Gates said.
“He would talk about how his superior education made his arguments for how Hillary’s laugh making her sound like Yzma from ‘Emperor’s New Groove’ impermeable.”
Curious as to who this queerly hatted man was, The DailyER decided to go where only the smug egotist social outcasts go: the vinyl section of Barnes & Noble. Reporters were able to get ahold of this mysterious fedora man, 24-year-old marketing major Chad Broady, for an interview.
“That is so typical of uninformed America, to just spit in the face of the insightful, educated community,” Broady scoffed with malaise when made aware of how his presence was received during the debate. “I’m not the wealthiest man in the world, but I was willing to reach elbow deep in my pocket to give him my two cents and now I am to believe he just threw it right on the ground?”
Chad then marched out of the vinyl section with a copy of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon,” which DailyER staffers can only assume is going to go up as great wall art for his studio apartment.