Politically correct freshman hates everyone equally

In a time where the United States is seemingly driven into further social and political divide each day, only a handful of souls remain to bridge the gap between the opposing ends of all spectrums by exemplifying what it means to promote true equality: by hating everyone, regardless of who they are or what they stand for.

One of these brave souls is UNL freshman Lisa Formaggio, a humanities major who believes the only surefire way to unite the sporadic, colorful array of ideologies, identifications and social systems in the human race is by admitting that they all suck on the same level.

“Let’s be honest: it doesn’t matter who you are, who you love, where you come from or what your beliefs are,” Formaggio said. “Your thoughts and opinions are arbitrary and dumb, just like everyone else’s.”

When asked about possible solutions to the divisiveness and conflict that occurs in nearly every aspect of society, Formaggio’s answer was simple.

“Instead of taking sides and promoting opposition, we should all unite around the fact that none of us know what we’re doing,”  Formaggio explained. “Once we admit that there’s an embarrassing lack of progress in a society that we’re all apart of, we’re golden!”

Some students weren’t keen on the idea of viewing their fellow human beings as equals, however, refusing to acknowledge the repugnancy of every person in their daily lives and elsewhere. Junior pottery major Dalton Springading called Formaggio’s viewpoint “childish,” stating that it’s not possible to embrace diversity “if we’re all equally terrible.”

“Look, I’m not saying it’s right to treat people differently,” Springading said. “But let’s be honest, some of us suck less than others.”