Finally, a solution to the pothole epidemic has arrived.
City officials announced this week that after receiving numerous grievances about the tire-destroying mini canyons via telephone calls, emails and online comment sections, they would actually do something about it. The plan? Fill ‘em with all the complaints.
“We’re very thankful for all the griping and moaning,” said Lionel Curtis, an employee at the Nebraska Department of Roads. “All the negativity accumulates into this dense, concrete-like substance that works well for filling voids, which is normally found in people’s personalities. But hey, turns out it works with potholes too.”
Curtis went on to explain that the durability and quality of the product varies based on the type of complaint.
“We’ve been making batches of the stuff since the snow hit and we tend to yield better results the angrier the comments are and the more caps lock is used. The quality goes down a bit when you add passive-aggressive emails to the mix though.”
Residents are excited about the project and are hopeful that it will fix one of their many apparent problems. Lincolnite Rita Cortez has lived in the city for six years and shared her experience with the gaping devil divots that dot nearly every street in her neighborhood.
“I’ve lost a few pets to that one over there,” she said, pointing towards what must have been a 50-foot deep pit of dark oblivion. “Guess I was walking too close to the curb or something; haven’t really heard from them since.”
Local engineering student Ivan Caldwell praised the plan, expressing his appreciation for the practicality and efficiency involved.
“When it comes down to it, being a disgruntled pissbaby is a completely renewable resource; it’s cheap and it’s plentiful on a local level. I mean, why wouldn’t you take advantage of that? It seems like a no-brainer to me. Just goes to show you: complaining about things on social media is the most productive thing you can do for your community.”