Taking time between hearty laughs and well-timed jokes, eleven-year-old Jonah Stafford spoke with reporters about the overwhelming success of his first appearance with the adults at his family reunion.
“Going into today, I figured I was too mature to hang out with my kid cousins,” said Stafford, shortly after another failed attempt to cut into his uncles’ conversation about President Trump’s race relations. “Now I’m certain that I’ll never have to sit at the kids’ table again.”
Sources reported that Stafford, upon arriving at the reunion missed a number of his parents’ hints requesting that he go back to spending time with the other cousins his age.
“Jonah, it looks like Chris and Allie are having fun playing Apples to Apples! Do you want to go join them?” begged Stafford’s mother. Ignoring his mother’s desperate pleas, Stafford then reportedly drilled his grandma on what she was saying when she lowered her voice to talk to his aunt about cousin Maggie’s stint in rehabilitation.
Stafford then took it upon himself to launch into a lengthy story about his friends’ school-related antics.
“So then Ethan took a ton of paper towels, balled them up and put them in his shirt like boobs!” chronicled Jonah while wiping the happy tears from his eyes. “And the whole time, Mr. Kaufman had no idea!”
When it came time for group pictures, Stafford supposedly demanded a spot in the back row, which resulted in various strategic maneuvers to ensure he was visible from at least the nose up. While he was doing so, sources confirmed that Stafford’s 6’6″, 23-year-old cousin Jeff Stafford kneeled in the first row.