English professor seen with overflowing briefcase of essays about compensating college athletes

On Tuesday afternoon, English professor Jonathan Reynolds was seen in the Union bending over a pile of papers that had spilled out of his briefcase to his embarrassment. Witnesses walking by noted that almost every single one of the strewn about ENGL151 essays was some sort of variation on the topic of why college athletes should be paid.

“I cannot get my students to write about anything else,” Reynolds said. “I teach an argument class and no matter how hard I try to steer them into writing about gun control or other political issues, they always focus on college athletes. If I’m lucky I’ll get the occasional submission about the prospect of free college, but I would guess I’ve spent six hours a day the past year reading different essays about the same thing.”

“I’ve heard every different angle on the matter. From allowing players to make money off of merchandise sales, to allowing players to accept sponsorship deals… I’ve heard it all,” said Reynolds. “I beg my students to give me a break, but they do not relent. They cannot think of anything outside of the world of the rights of college athletes. I’ve had many students over the years submit essays about this when there wasn’t even an assignment due, they’re that passionate about the subject. Several times, I have received identical essays word for word. They weren’t even plagiarizing or copying each other. I’ve received that many different permutations of essays on this subject, that there are a couple of coincidental duplicates.”

Later in the week, Reynolds was seen with the same briefcase bulging, threatening to break at any moment as he walked through the maze of offices in Andrews Hall.