Report: Parking Enforcement Spawned in Deepest Level of Hell

Information surfaced this weekend that members of the parking enforcement agencies of Lincoln, both campus- and city-wide “Park & Go,” are reportedly of demonic origin.

The Satanic personnel, who appear at what has been found to be the statistically worst possible times, look like average humans. However, according to multiple youth sources, these staffers are not of this earth and their malevolent devices are hell-bent on ruining the lives of those peacefully inhabiting the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus.

“Fuck ‘em,” said sophomore biology major Chip Frantz. “Rotten scum.”

Students all over campus are driving up both University and city profits through the incessant hate-filled campaigns run by the parking enforcers. The spawn of Hades continue to drive Lincoln residents ever further into poverty and sap all their resources to provide a joyous life for themselves.

“I was only inside for, like, five freaking minutes,” said freshman electrical engineering major Sophie Bates. “I didn’t think I needed to plug my meter. It’s evil, what they’re doing.”

City officials acknowledged the outcries of citizens and scaled back the support for Cerberus-riding, bat-winged meter maids. Further attempts have been made to strip the dark armies of red-eyed trolls of their right to print tickets to any car flashing its emergency lights in a clearly unmarked parking zone. Despite these measures, morale among drivers is at an all-time low.

“How am I supposed to get all the way to Burnett from Abel if I can’t drive?” added freshman criminal justice major Greg Bettis. “I’m going to have to sell my car to pay for all these goddamn tickets.”