Republicans Attempt to Redefine the Term “Pregnancy”

House Republicans reaffirmed their position that the female body is truly a wonderland.

“What I’ve always been told by Doctors,” said Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, “Is that women can only get pregnant if they want to. It’s a like a switch that they turn off and on, and only if the man consents to having a child is it truly a ‘Legitimate Pregnancy.’”

Rep. Akin stated that the current law allows thousands of women to accuse men of knocking them up, straddling them with crushing child support payments. Akin claimed that it is entitlement programs like child support that are undermining the American Dream.

Armed with his convictions, Rep. Akin went on to sponsor the “Legitimate Pregnancy” bill. The legislation would redefine the term pregnancy to state that “a pregnancy is only legitimate in the case that both parties are consenting members in the desire for children.”

His comments ignited a political firestorm on the internet. Conservative sites began to publish in-depth diagrams explaining the validity of Rep. Akin’s bill, while liberal websites sent out links to the “Pregnancy” Wikipedia page; Republican interns inevitably changed the Wikipedia page to include Rep. Akin’s theory.

After the immediate uproar, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney made a statement trying to distance himself from Rep. Akin.

“Todd Akin is a member of the Republican party, which I am representing for president,” said Mr. Romney. “Asking me questions about his candidacy is ridiculous, and should have nothing to do with my campaign representing the Republicans and their entire platform.”