Rich White Girl Enjoys Eventful Summer

While most university students spent their summers performing manual labor, or for those who majored in something practical, an internship, Sydney Dixon spent her sixteen weeks of freedom living life to the fullest.

The junior psychology major jumpstarted her extravagant summer with a two month trip to Europe. Here she gazed at the majestic cliffs of Ireland, took a bike tour through Paris, and snapped countless selfies in front of hundreds of landmarks throughout dozens of cities. During the vacation, documented entirely on Facebook, she experienced different cultures, unfamiliar cuisines, and poor hygiene. Her most popular status, which earned her 169 likes, read “OMG just learned Europe isn’t a country lol.” She thoroughly enjoyed her adventure abroad, except for Slovakia because that place is “totally ratchet.”

When Dixon returned to the states her summer was half gone but far from over. Each new day lay ripe with opportunities to swipe daddy’s MasterCard, get “piss ass crunk” or more preferably “turnt up.” In between nights of drinking, Dixon raced around town in her new convertible which she totally hated. “I told my stupid ass dad that I wanted the baby blue one but no, he’s a fucking idiot and bought me this ugly red one.”

Even Dixon, a lady of prestige and wealth, was not immune to seasonal depression. “Some days there was like nothing to do so I just went to the movies like some pauper, by the way I learned that word in England, it means poor person.” She needed a pick-me-up, a real kick in the butt so when August arrived Dixon traveled to the Lollapalooza music festival in Chicago. It was here she met the bass player of The Killers, who she later found out was just a roadie, and experienced her second pregnancy scare of the summer.

As summer drew to a close Dixon experienced a bittersweet time in all rich white girls’ lives; back to school shopping. “Those sundresses, white shorts, and yoga pants aren’t going to buy themselves!” claimed Dixon as she scurried around Victoria’s Secret looking for her next pair of stupid fucking sweatpants that say PINK on the ass even though they aren’t even pink.

Dixon’s summer concluded with 12,746 likes, nineteen new pairs of shoes, thirty seven empty bottles of UV, and one DUI.