Romney Announces Fight For State’s Rights to Party

During a campaign stop in Brooklyn, New York, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney decided to evoke an issue that has been so far neglected during the Republican primary: states’ rights.

Flanked by Ad-Rock and MCA of the Beastie Boys, a visibly inebriated Romney announced that “it’s time to bring the fight to the PEOPLE. We gotta fight… for our right…. to PAAARRRRTAYYY.”

The former Governor of Massachusetts was disheveled, missing his trademark American flag lapel pin. Instead, his normally crisp suit and tie were replaced with ripped, stained jeans and a Black Flag t-shirt.

The son of the former Governor of Michigan evoked imagery from the influential punk band as he continued to speak, swinging a bottle of Night Train in his left hand while leaning heavily on MCA for support.

“It’s like they said, innit? We gotta rise above, rise above!” he yelled to a hall full of astonished journalists and supporters. “You gotta read the tenth rights bill,” he continued, likely referring to the Tenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. “The states…. gotta fight for their rights….”

The Tenth Amendment, widely held by Republicans to be a clause of the Constitution limiting the federal government, has not been exposed to the public in such a manner since 1997, when a drunk President Bill Clinton passed out on the White House lawn with only a copy of the amendment covering his genitals.

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