House Debates Building Individual Walls Around Illegal Immigrants



Following a series of contentious debates, the House of Representatives appeared to reach a compromise on immigration Friday. Speaker of the House John Boehner, visibly pleased with the work his colleagues had done, would initially only tell reporters on the Capitol Steps that “Ladies and gentlemen, Operation TACO is go.”

Expanding on that line, Boehner explained that the compromise involved building a 7-foot brick cube around individual undocumented immigrants. The program will be known as the Tactical Architectural Containment Operation (TACO).

“We’re really proud of that acronym, actually,” Boehner continued. “[Wyoming Representative] Cynthia [Lummis] stayed up all night working on it while she Skyped with her cows.”

Boehner did not go into much detail about the TACO Units, but Microsoft Paint illustrations included with the bill indicate that undocumented immigrants will be identified by a nationwide search for those with Hispanic accents. Targeted individuals are expected to stand patiently inside a chalk square for up to six hours until bricklayers arrive, at which point they will be enclosed with up to three items of furniture and an iPad loaded with videos from the last World Cup.

A shakily-drawn note reading “and kidz to” [sic] seems to indicate that children will not be separated from parents who are placed in TACO Units, likely a gesture of goodwill from family-focused Representatives.

Paul Ryan, known for his fiscal background, was among those who outlined the plan’s drawbacks.

“While I still support TACO,” he told reporters, “I have to say I’m disappointed in the cost of the program. To cut the appropriation, oxygen systems will obviously be impossible; sad though it may be, we have to get the debt under control. This is one area we can begin to do that.”

Still, few members of the House had anything negative to say about the legislation.

“I’m really excited about this initiative,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gushed as she tossed lawn darts at her Honduran pool boy. “I feel like it’s a compromise we can all live with. It allows both sides of the amnesty debate to have their dulce de leche—those already here will be allowed to stay eternally on American soil, but the suffocating aspects of the TACO units reduces competition for American jobs. It’s a win-win for everyone, particularly those not residing in TACO units.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid outlined the Senate’s plan to pass a very similar version of the compromise bill Monday, noting that “finally, Congress has come together around common-sense legislation that only harms those who can’t vote us out. And that, I think, is really what America is about. God bless us all. Except those who have been TACO-ed.

“Also,” he added as he left the news conference, “Nancy asked me to find out…are any of you ‘Wall Street Journal’ guys willing to be her new pool boy?”