Experts in sociology recently discovered that the popular racing game Mario Kart is responsible for all institutionalized forms of oppression.
The game’s design consists of vying for first place via motorized vehicles while simultaneously leaving obstacles like turtle shells and banana peels behind. These hinder the progress of other racers, which experts say is a direct reflection of marginalizations that affect so many across the human genome.
“We’re teaching our kids that you can stay ahead of the game at the expense of others,” said Dr. Lisa Rosewell, leading sociologist and mother of three. “That’s not acceptable. If we want our children to be well-rounded, they should all be in first place, regardless of ability.”
Rosewell co-wrote a 495-page report consisting of the sinister effects Mario Kart has had on society’s various institutions. Yoshi screaming his own name after running other racers off the road, for example, is estimated to be responsible for 86% of the world’s dictatorships.
Educator Chung Lee also contributed to the report, citing that regaining the lead after falling into last place is “insurmountable.”
“This game may look quite harmless,” Lee said while vigorously turning his controller from side to side. “But I am concerned that those in last place may simply submit to defeat, which is exactly how authoritarian agendas gain traction.”
But not all users feel that the game was designed to sustain oppression. Avid Mario Kart fan Davis Sivad argued that racers who were eating dust still had a fighting chance.
“There are so many opportunities to get back into first place,” Sivad said. “You can send a FLYING TURTLE to take out the frontrunner. Heck, you can shrink everyone to microscopic size for a few seconds so you can pass them. Personally, I think it comes down to the individual, not the game itself.”